Coming to terms with life...barely.

I sincerely thought I was handling the miscarriage, but my brother's wife Mandy had their baby yesterday, and he sent a few pictures of the new baby. This may sound awful, but I'm so jealous =/. At first, I was ok with the pictures, but now I just can't. I explained this to him, and hopefully he'll listen. But now I'm listening to A Little Stronger, and crying into our precious child's first blankie. I feel so alone. Will just left back to the field. I'd be 23 weeks today, over halfway done, and no baby to hold.  One more month and I'd be into my third trimester. It's rough.

That was one of the happiest days of my life(December 29)..only to be turned right back around a week later. (Jan 5th).

As you can clearly see, my levels were NOT below zero until this date.

Here's my note from Facebook:

So..a lot of you have been truly supportive during the worst periods of my life, and have let me rant and cry, without judgment. To those..I thank. With all my heart. Losing our first baby is not something I can just snap back from. Years from now, I'll still get upset, angry, and frustrated. It's a huge emotional, mental, and physical ordeal. It hurts in every way imaginable. I honestly understand some people do not know how to respond. It's hard to know what to say when you yourself have never dealt with a certain situation. This may sound totally bitchy, but please PLEASE do not say you know how I feel if you havent yourself lost a child. I'm dealing with blood work twice a week, shots typically use to treat CANCER along with vaginal ultrasounds every week. So far..without much progress. On top of that, I'm dealing with certain things I'm not at liberty to discuss, which is just adding more stress. Thankfully I've been blessed with an ABSOLUTELY amazing husband, who can hold my hand when I'm in severe pain. It also hurts knowing I'm cramping, without an end result to look forward to. My faith in God is still strong, however, I cannot say it has not wavered. I'm well assured God understands that.

Others..however..I honestly hope you NEVER have to deal with this, because you'll have to deal with what I've been getting. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methotrexate

and

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ectopic_pregnancy

is what I'm dealing with.

BTW- Despite the fact Will & I are only about to be 21, Will has a steady job. I have healthcare as to avoid major debt during pregnancy. We have a savings, despite insurance claims from a car accident and robbery one month after the other.(well...we did have savings, not getting a paycheck kinda screwed us up). We're barely in debt, though we started out with nothing, and now have almost an entirely furnished apartment, plus we replaced almost all the items stolen from us. So..I dont think we're doing so bad thank you VERY much. This baby we lost was already extremely loved. And we already started putting aside money to fully be able to get all of its basic needs. So yeah. Dont butt in with your opinions about how we're way too young to start a family.

BUT...good news is..I am strong. I am blessed to have an amazing support group. And as my mantra says: 

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

January 5,2011 is when my world was turned upside down, and I'll NEVER forget it.

So, if I hide your posts, and pictures, and don't seem overly excited about what's going on..forgive me..and if you can't, delete me.  A miscarriage isn't something I'm gonna get over anytime soon. I don't wish bad things upon people who've been blessed with kids, but there's days I just can't face it. There was a BABY inside of me, there was no 'normal' D&C, no passing it on my own..no, I had injections of chemotherapy. I dealt with hair loss, sore body, and lack of a interest in life. In February, I got rushed back to the hospital, because pregnancy tissue was caught in my cervix, and I kept bleeding. To be honest, I thought my tube had actually ruptured, as my doctor warned me it could. My doctors scared the crap out of me by telling me if I hadn't came to the ER and got the clot removed, I could've got seriously sick. And there was a few beside me every step of the way. I'd call my Gamma in the middle of the night, and she'd just listen to me cry. I didn't always have Will by my side, because the mission always comes first.  In fact, I can still be dealing with complications from this. On March 8th, I also had an ultrasound that revealed something was obstructing my right ovary. I go Monday (yes, 6 weeks later) for a MRI. I'm scared. Will won't be here to go with me. I get to deal with yet another hard thing, almost virtually alone. Only b/c I don't wanna have to drag Amber & Conner out of bed by 7 to go with me, she's one of my very best friends here in the 915.   There's times I'm bitter, but not to anyone, just about the situation. I technically have to wait 4.5 more months until we can consider trying again, and unless his CoC decides what they wanna do to him, he may be deployed then. So..I'm pretty sure I reserve the right to be extremely upset, and have pity party days.

I just wish Will were here to hold me & tell me everything's going be alright, b/c I'm not right now.

Syonara.